ah I remember the good ol days when the summer months meant up to three wedding invitations per week that I would shove under my bed in the feeding box of all my boogeymen and monsters. I remember the way that an engagement ring on a friend's finger was the equivalent of lymphatic cancer- not a certainty that someone would bite the dust, but a pretty sure sign of their eminent demise. Now that my commitment phobia has allowed me to accept friends from the "other side" (the married world), my friends have all decided to turn their bodies into human vending machines cranking out blended DNA replicas of them. My brother and his insanely fabulous wife have produced a beautiful little girl with my coloring and whose expressions occasionally bear an eerie resemblance to my perpetually suspicious maternal grandfather. One of the founding members of the "Uncommittables" (I am the only true remaining member) is on her second (thanks amy). I've been in contact with three of the wee ones today alone, and I agree that they are adorable. I'm not saying that I don't want my friends to abandon the great joys of parenthood forever, but I hate the gap.
My old roommate and good friend, Abby, came into town with the lovely Chloe and I have to say that it was awkward. I always feel like my old married friends running ahead are looking way back over their shoulders feeling sorry for me, or that I'm the last kid on the field when everyone's picking teams (coincidently I was that kid back in elementary). Only recently, though, have I realized that those on the other side are looking at my life as more fabulous than it is (I really do love my life, but there are only short bursts of fabulousness) and feel awkward as well. I think that men probably feel something like this too, but women seem to have a harder time with gaps. In a post-women's lib world we lack clear direction. It's nice to have choices, but it does seem to make things awkward when there are so many stigmas attached to our decisions (stay at home moms, old maids, career women). No matter what the choice we make, someone somewhere is sneering as they name the choice.
My brother has always claimed that men have traditionally ruled not because they are stronger (and definitely not because they are smarter), but because they don't turn on each other as easily. I know that I need to keep my insecurities in check or I'll be friendless pretty soon- Kory's the last of my really good friends who hasn't had a child yet (although according to her site she'll be joining up as soon as there's a harness strong enough to contain the child she's bound to produce). So anyway after my very long rant I should say that only my immature self wants others to slow down to my tortoise pace in the game of life (I keep cruising the board with wind blowing through my hair sans the blue pin and a whole back seat of empty holes). I don't really want that. What my more mature self wants is just for the strength to hold onto everyone I love without anyone hearing the haunting sneering voice in their head questioning their choices.
6 comments:
You've got mad skills. I had to read your blog 3 times to understand it! Dude, you ARE an AP English teacher!
Daniel is genius, he has such insight- woman do turn on each other, it's hard to find that loyalty- but I think it all stems from not being satisfied with who they are.
I think we label people in order to make us feel better about our own inadequacies and insecurities.
ummm no mad skills- if i had those i wouldn't be so freakin' confusing. I can't even follow myself when i get going. and daniel is a genius.
I third the Daniel comment. I wonder if he'll ever read this. I wonder if somewhere out in cyberspace there is a group of people electronically discussing my brilliance. Doubtful.
I recently read (perhaps on Kory's blog) that we are all so busy worrying about what other people think of us that we don't have time to think about other people. True or not, it sure can be helpful when it seems that the entire world is being critical of our life decisions.
Sorry about the baby. I have to say that I strongly admire your firm convictions, and the desire to do things at your own pace. I wish more of the world would follow your lead. Besides, marriage and babies are tough. Life-changing, as they say.
I love you like mad, Lori, and hope the little one will look up to you as much as I do. She's lucky to have you as an Auntie.
P.S. I followed you the entire time! You may be verbose, but you're not impossible to follow.
Let's be honest- No Harness will be strong enough to contain Kory and Brent's seed, so let's not even worry about it.
And as for being last on the team, as far as my biological clock is concerned, I might as well be barren.
Yay! A way to stay in touch without actually communicating. How i love technology. Now i can just post snark-ridden comments on your blog.
Points to Daniel.
I read a book about Women's rights, roles and interactions as a gender from the 1600's forward, called Surpassing the Love of Men. According to Lillian Faderman, Women didn't turn on each other until the 20th century, where competition was created by the patriarchy to combat the freedoms and education women were gaining access to. Thus the notion that men's opinions are essential to a woman's well being lives on.
Love the blog. Awesome distraction.
There's already a chelsea posting here, so i had to choose another name. boo.
Sweet blog. Can totally, totally, totally relate to this, having spent a portion of the night talking to my one best friend with two kids, my other best friend with one but days away from being born, and my parents on holiday with my brother, sister in law and my little niece. I love them all, and feel great joy in their happiness, but it does make things different. Children are born, their priorities shift, your lives become different; but not different, exactly, because that word implies some equivalence. More like their lives move forward and you stay the same, apparently trapped in some never-ending adolescence -- or at least that's how the pressure of social norms makes you feel. Family/friend gatherings inevitably produce forlorn "oh I wish you'd just find someone and be happy" gazes in your direction. When you tell them you're happy and like things just as they are, they look at you with mistrust and a kind of sad pity, taking it for granted that you're just protesting too much. The underlying assumption is, who would actually choose to be single? Because you're swimming against the tide of social norms, you get a lot of quizzical looks. All that said, I agree that it is different for men and women -- you have more names to contend with. You can be a muscle-bound "career woman", a cat-owning "old maid". I will just become a dirty old bachelor, aging and living in increasingly luxurious and well-kept condominiums, knowing that no matter how well-kept and luxurious they are, there will always be the whiff of something unwholesome about them, because I'll be older and alone there with my desires.
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